I know, this topic is WAY wrong. Amazon would have fits if they knew I was suggesting authors (GASP!) write their OWN reviews. Write their own reviews?!? Okay, just play along, this is supposed to be funny. Start reading and you’ll get the gist of it. Authors, feel free to leave reviews for your own books in the comments. I look forward to seeing what you come up with!
Title of Review: BEST. BOOK. EVER!
# of stars: 5
Review:
This author is obviously a genius. It’s clear she took the time to painstakingly outline each character with a 10-page questionnaire. I imagine her children must’ve eaten nothing but cold cereal and peanut butter straight from the jar for weeks on end while she cursed over editing several dozen drafts of this book. The world building that went into this book must’ve taken years to complete, and copious amounts of notes must’ve gone into the planning of it. Every word in this book seems to have been chosen with care, and I would imagine much hair pulling happening while she pined over just the right word to use. The author must’ve shed many tears as she wrote the first several drafts, worrying that it would never measure up or be good enough, but those tears must’ve turned to joy once she read that final, completed, polished draft of this book. This poor author must’ve experienced so many headaches as she stooped over her computer for hours upon hours every day as she relentlessly wrote. I imagine she must’ve foregone time with her family and friends to become a complete hermit as she did nothing but write, write, write for hours and hours every day. By the end of this process, I imagine she suffered with nerve pain in her hands and fingers, insomnia, and a disastrously messy house, but she must’ve also felt accomplished, because she completed a book that would forever change the world.
ACTUAL REVIEW (SAMPLE)*
Title of Review: Meh.
# of stars: 2
Review: It was okay.
*I have to say that I’m very luck to have only gotten a few reviews like this one. Most of my reviews are super awesome. Still, it makes me laugh when I get a review like this. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say, “If you only knew what went into writing this book! If you only had a sliver of a clue!!! My headaches, the endless hours of pining over every word, the peanut butter, for goodness’ sake!”
Tamara you hit the review nail on the head. You know, it’s bad when my kids look at me, with my earbuds in and typing away, waiting for acknowledgement if they have to fend for themselves. (lol) My son has the pizza joint down the street on speed dial. (FYI: my son is 20 and my daughter is 14. They are old enough to fend for themselves.) Both of them understand when mom is “working.” Trust me, it is “working.” The research, creating characters, (I’m a Panster, so little outlining), dictionary & thesaurus checking, hammering out the story, reading pages over and over – sometimes out loud. Writing blurbs, several synopsis, picking quotes and clips from the story that you think will be intriguing. Then editing – and that is a whole another animal. Setting up your beta teams … going over promos and the right kind of book jacket that will be eye-catching. Creating giveaways, takeovers, and swag. At the end of it all, when you finally get to hold your book-baby, an overwhelming cocktail of emotions will envelope you. You ride the waves of accomplishment and worry – the jab “that it will never good enough” is my daily struggle. I want to grow in the craft. I want to know, if what I did touched someone’s heart. Inspired a reader. Helped someone to escape their reality for just a spell. This is why I write and love what I’ve chosen as a profession. The negative reviews may knock me down, but with so many people in the reader world, I’m happy if even if just a handful of people enjoyed my story, because I know it may not be everyone’s cup of tea/coffee. My main issue with certain reviews is the cutting or belittling. Prune a tree – don’t whack it off at the stump. I understand, if you don’t like my story, or even hated it, but tell me why. If I don’t know, how can I improve? Thanks for this Tamara, it made my day a bit better. “Break a pencil.”
Oops… So about the typos. I hate when I catch them after I’ve posted. >.<
I’m so glad you posted this. It’s good for me to have the reminder that I’m not alone. Writers are creative and emotional, so putting our heart and effort out there isn’t always easy. It’s worth it, though.
Very funny. I think Amazon would know it was you, or a family member that wrote that one. I have gotten better the more that I write them.
Yeah, that’s why I posted the review here. Not on Amazon. Not that it’s a serious review anyway.
Where would we be without peanut butter ? 🙂
Good question!