I know, this topic is WAY wrong. Amazon would have fits if they knew I was suggesting authors (GASP!) write their OWN reviews. Write their own reviews?!? Okay, just play along, this is supposed to be funny. Start reading and you’ll get the gist of it. Authors, feel free to leave reviews for your own books in the comments. I look forward to seeing what you come up with!
Title of Review: BEST. BOOK. EVER!
# of stars: 5
This author is obviously a genius. It’s clear she took the time to painstakingly outline each character with a 10-page questionnaire. I imagine her children must’ve eaten nothing but cold cereal and peanut butter straight from the jar for weeks on end while she cursed over editing several dozen drafts of this book. The world building that went into this book must’ve taken years to complete, and copious amounts of notes must’ve gone into the planning of it. Every word in this book seems to have been chosen with care, and I would imagine much hair pulling happening while she pined over just the right word to use. The author must’ve shed many tears as she wrote the first several drafts, worrying that it would never measure up or be good enough, but those tears must’ve turned to joy once she read that final, completed, polished draft of this book. This poor author must’ve experienced so many headaches as she stooped over her computer for hours upon hours every day as she relentlessly wrote. I imagine she must’ve foregone time with her family and friends to become a complete hermit as she did nothing but write, write, write for hours and hours every day. By the end of this process, I imagine she suffered with nerve pain in her hands and fingers, insomnia, and a disastrously messy house, but she must’ve also felt accomplished, because she completed a book that would forever change the world.
ACTUAL REVIEW (SAMPLE)*
Title of Review: Meh.
# of stars: 2
Review: It was okay.
*I have to say that I’m very luck to have only gotten a few reviews like this one. Most of my reviews are super awesome. Still, it makes me laugh when I get a review like this. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say, “If you only knew what went into writing this book! If you only had a sliver of a clue!!! My headaches, the endless hours of pining over every word, the peanut butter, for goodness’ sake!”